Kiss of Death

I thought with this being Valentine's Day and all, we'd stick with the lovey-dovey theme, right?  Sounds rather apropos to me.  Actually, I don't know that I'd file this story under 'lovey-dovey', but it does involve a kiss.  That's enough of a connection to justify it as a Valentine's Day story in my book.

I went home to Mom and Dad's last weekend and it was great.  We went to church Sunday morning a bit early as Mom was singing in the choir.  It was a fairly nice morning so Dad and I elected to stand outside next to the pickup while he finished his coffee.  It gave me a chance to watch as folks pulled in the parking lot and recognize lots of familiar faces.

I especially took notice when a large sedan pulled in and a tiny, ball-of-fire older woman stepped out.  As she exited her vehicle she took the time to do a 360 sweep of the entire parking lot and scan for potential victims.  I mean, she took time to scan for people to wave at.  She spotted me standing 30 yards away and, deciding I was too distant a target, settled on waving so hard I thought she might dislocate her shoulder.  Escape #1 of mine was a complete success.

During the church service Mom, Dad and I sat in a pew towards the back of the church, far from the center aisle.  Thankfully, a nice couple came in and sat in the pew with us, effectively blocking a clear path from me to the center aisle.  (Cue evil scientist laugh.  My plan is working, mwahahahaha!)

At the end of church we are dismissed from the front of the church to the back.  Probably as an incentive for more people to sit closer to the front, but my family never bought into that.  We were patiently sitting and waiting for our turn to be dismissed when the tiny, ball-of-fire Marge* and her husband stood up and prepared to leave from their pew several rows in front of us.

I leaned over and whispered to my dad, "Watch this.  She can't get to me.  Mwahahahaha."  As Marge made her way towards our pew she spotted me - a victim child she hadn't seen in quite a while.  We watched as she frantically scanned the area and saw that I was effectively boxed in by people, meaning she was also effectively boxed out from accessing me.  We settled on a friendly wave and smile.  Escape #2 of mine was a complete success.

After church we made our way to the hallway and I got the chance to see several folks I hadn't seen in quite a while.  It was fun, and the fact that I have a fetus the size of an orange this week made me more of a commodity as folks came up to see my ever expanding midsection.  Most of Mom and Dad's friends already knew our news so the element of surprise wasn't there, which did not hurt my feelings in the least.

We were almost ready to leave when our friend Marge strolled up.  I gave her a hug and listened to the standard, "Oh my goodness Sweetheart, you're looking so good these days, I can't believe you're growing up so quick...."  I thought I was going to be safe.

And then it happened.

I was wearing a larger black jacket that day which helped to camouflage most of any sort of belly unless you knew one was supposed to be there.  Marge gave me (what I thought was) one last little hug and said, "Oh, Sweetheart, your just so skinny!  How do you stay so thin?!"  (Totally blowing smoke up my skirt, by the way.) 

My mom opened her big mouth with a twinkle of evil no mother should ever possess in her eyes.  "Anna's belly is getting bigger.  She's going to have a baby!"

"Oh, congratulations honey!" she shrieked as tiny little ball-of-fire Marge grew springs under her red pumps and that little 4'11" lady jumped up and planted a huge, fire engine red kiss of stay-forever lipstick on my 5'7" cheek.  Escape #3 was not as successful. 

And thus my mother sealed her destiny to end up in a crappy nursing home forever.