Things to never say to your pregnant wife:
-How do you keep your belly from burning on the stove?
-You look like the blower on a silage cutter the way you shovel chips into your mouth.
-Definitely not gaunt. Definitely.
-So, what did you eat for dinner today? (Waits for my answer.) Was that morning dinner, dinner dinner, or mid-afternoon dinner?
**I must put this disclaimer in. Wesley says a million nice things to me every day. These are just the funny ones that I can actually remember for short periods of time. He is NOT a mean person, just hilarious! (And yes, I laugh at this stuff too.)
Monday, May 20, 2013
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Bad to the Bone
I always knew our girls were badasses, but I never realized how much till the other night.
I was sitting at home one evening, working away diligently on the computer. It was a nice evening and the windows were open. Suddenly, I heard the girls barking up a storm. They never bark unless there is a coyote around.
I dutifully grabbed a handfull of bullets out of the box sitting on my desk (doesn't everyone keep them there handy), grabbed the gun sitting next to the desk and ran outside.
On the north side of our house, just 10 yards in to the pasture were two coyotes bunched up together. They looked like they were trying to crawl on top of one another to keep away from the two blue heelers that were circling them.
What?!
That's right, Loopie and Laurie were patiently circling the two coyotes from about 10 feet away. Their teeth were bared, neck hair standing straight up into mowhawks. Yup, badasses.
I finally got them called off the coyotes and took a couple of pot shots at the coyotes as they ran for their lives back to their dens by the water shed. Needless to say, the girls got extra dog biscuits that night and we haven't heard the coyotes get very close to the house these past few nights.
Laurie asked if she could start putting a 'victory tally' on the side of her doghouse like Snoopy when he was the Flying Ace. It's under consideration.
I was sitting at home one evening, working away diligently on the computer. It was a nice evening and the windows were open. Suddenly, I heard the girls barking up a storm. They never bark unless there is a coyote around.
I dutifully grabbed a handfull of bullets out of the box sitting on my desk (doesn't everyone keep them there handy), grabbed the gun sitting next to the desk and ran outside.
On the north side of our house, just 10 yards in to the pasture were two coyotes bunched up together. They looked like they were trying to crawl on top of one another to keep away from the two blue heelers that were circling them.
What?!
That's right, Loopie and Laurie were patiently circling the two coyotes from about 10 feet away. Their teeth were bared, neck hair standing straight up into mowhawks. Yup, badasses.
I finally got them called off the coyotes and took a couple of pot shots at the coyotes as they ran for their lives back to their dens by the water shed. Needless to say, the girls got extra dog biscuits that night and we haven't heard the coyotes get very close to the house these past few nights.
Laurie asked if she could start putting a 'victory tally' on the side of her doghouse like Snoopy when he was the Flying Ace. It's under consideration.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Projects
A few weeks ago, Wesley heard the term "nesting" and has been using it incessantly ever since. Before becoming preggo he just called me crazy with all my projects. Apparently now that I am in my delicate state we have to use a more appropriate term.
"Nesting" it is.
I ordered a kit over the internet a few weeks ago. You know, the mailman delivers several boxes that contain thousands of pieces of wood with incoherent instructions and little pictures to tell you the 427 steps to follow. You get to build, stain and finish the bookcase according to your desires. Technically, I think you're supposed to follow the directions until the end, but I figure after the main part is built, you can take some creative license with the rest of the project.
I ordered two bookshelves and one cabinet to house the television for our living room. This is one of my many attempts to create more storage in a teeny-tiny house.
We have brown walls in our house, and I knew the bookcases would also be brown after staining them. To add a bit of 'pop' (how's that for a technical decorating term?) to the bookshelves I, along with my trusty sidekick, sister E.A., added a tin backsplash type thing. (I'm sure you can follow that last sentence, right? Clear as mud.)
See? Now it makes total sense with the picture, right? We went to the kitchen section of our friendly neighborhood hardware store (i.e. drove 1 1/2 hours to find a store big enough to carry this item) and found these plastic sheets of faux tin. They came in rectangles that were three squares x four squares. We could trim off excess sections with an exact-o knife. We laid out the pieces on the thin plywood backing that came in our kit for our dry run to make sure everything was kosher and then spread caulking/adhesive over the back of the 'tin' and front of the plywood and smooshed them together. We laid them out flat on some sawhorses and let them dry overnight.
Whala! Genius, we know. Actually, not to brag, but I'm pretty proud of how well E.A. and I's 'hey, this works in my head, let's give it a go' project went. And to answer a common question, yes, there really is texture to those little plastic, tin-looking squares. They have raises and grooves just like a normal tin tile would. Again, pretty proud of us. Sorry, I'll stop gloating in a minute......
I try to work on assembling bits and pieces of these bookshelves and cabinet every evening when I don't have a meeting or other obligation. It is more time consuming than I was originally anticipating, but I am still quite glad that this is the route we chose to go. And by 'we' I mean me. Wesley agreed to whatever would make me shut up the quickest. Apparently in this 'nesting' phase I seem to drive him up the wall with incessant questions about his opinion on all these projects. Whoopsidaisies. I'll try to add more pictures soon.
"Nesting" it is.
I ordered a kit over the internet a few weeks ago. You know, the mailman delivers several boxes that contain thousands of pieces of wood with incoherent instructions and little pictures to tell you the 427 steps to follow. You get to build, stain and finish the bookcase according to your desires. Technically, I think you're supposed to follow the directions until the end, but I figure after the main part is built, you can take some creative license with the rest of the project.
I ordered two bookshelves and one cabinet to house the television for our living room. This is one of my many attempts to create more storage in a teeny-tiny house.
We have brown walls in our house, and I knew the bookcases would also be brown after staining them. To add a bit of 'pop' (how's that for a technical decorating term?) to the bookshelves I, along with my trusty sidekick, sister E.A., added a tin backsplash type thing. (I'm sure you can follow that last sentence, right? Clear as mud.)
Whala! Genius, we know. Actually, not to brag, but I'm pretty proud of how well E.A. and I's 'hey, this works in my head, let's give it a go' project went. And to answer a common question, yes, there really is texture to those little plastic, tin-looking squares. They have raises and grooves just like a normal tin tile would. Again, pretty proud of us. Sorry, I'll stop gloating in a minute......
I try to work on assembling bits and pieces of these bookshelves and cabinet every evening when I don't have a meeting or other obligation. It is more time consuming than I was originally anticipating, but I am still quite glad that this is the route we chose to go. And by 'we' I mean me. Wesley agreed to whatever would make me shut up the quickest. Apparently in this 'nesting' phase I seem to drive him up the wall with incessant questions about his opinion on all these projects. Whoopsidaisies. I'll try to add more pictures soon.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Attitudy-Judy
Let's all cross our fingers and hope that I'm not harboring and gestating some sort of diva-licious, hormone-raging, attitudy-Judy type fetus.
Loopie and Laurie already have these traits down to a T.
Let me explain. Last week we got a shipment of seed corn delivered to the shop connected to our house. The shop where Loop and Laurie have been sleeping all winter. Let me also tell you that seed corn this year cost us more than this first-born child. No joke.
We didn't want the girls to be tempted and accidentally tear into one of the bags when they were horsing around, so that night we decided it was time to move to their "summer quarters" and sleep in the dog house in their outdoor pen that night.
It may or may not have gotten down to almost freezing that night. And.... it may or may not have rained like the dickens all night long. (Oh, please, folks. Their doghouse is HUGE and was filled with nice, warm hay for them to burrow in.)
Wesley let the girls out of their pen the next morning and they were less than thrilled with the world.
When I came home from work that night Wesley gave me an earful on the cold shoulder that Laurie had given him all morning in the feed pickup.
She sat in the passenger seat with her back to him, staring a hole though the passenger window. He tried several times to make small talk with her, all to no avail. She never even turned her head to look at him. She was mad and she wanted him to know it.
That night I said an extra special little prayer. "Dear God, please don't let our children be as moody as our dogs. Amen."
Loopie and Laurie already have these traits down to a T.
Let me explain. Last week we got a shipment of seed corn delivered to the shop connected to our house. The shop where Loop and Laurie have been sleeping all winter. Let me also tell you that seed corn this year cost us more than this first-born child. No joke.
We didn't want the girls to be tempted and accidentally tear into one of the bags when they were horsing around, so that night we decided it was time to move to their "summer quarters" and sleep in the dog house in their outdoor pen that night.
It may or may not have gotten down to almost freezing that night. And.... it may or may not have rained like the dickens all night long. (Oh, please, folks. Their doghouse is HUGE and was filled with nice, warm hay for them to burrow in.)
Wesley let the girls out of their pen the next morning and they were less than thrilled with the world.
When I came home from work that night Wesley gave me an earful on the cold shoulder that Laurie had given him all morning in the feed pickup.
She sat in the passenger seat with her back to him, staring a hole though the passenger window. He tried several times to make small talk with her, all to no avail. She never even turned her head to look at him. She was mad and she wanted him to know it.
That night I said an extra special little prayer. "Dear God, please don't let our children be as moody as our dogs. Amen."
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Peace offering
I have written before about the girls providing a 'peace offering' after doing something that they know is wrong.
Example: Moving Wesley's work boots from their place near the back door in the shop to somewhere out in the yard. Big no-no.
Laurie knew that she had screwed up the other morning and obviously tried her hardest to make it up to Wesley.
This has got to be one of the biggest, best peace offerings in the history of mankind.
That's right, she dug through the dead pile until she found the longest legbone possible. The poor dear was so proud of herself.
And Wesley forgave her.
The End.
Example: Moving Wesley's work boots from their place near the back door in the shop to somewhere out in the yard. Big no-no.
Laurie knew that she had screwed up the other morning and obviously tried her hardest to make it up to Wesley.
This has got to be one of the biggest, best peace offerings in the history of mankind.
And Wesley forgave her.
The End.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Birthday woes
For Wesley's birthday a few weeks ago we decided to drive to Wichita with some friends and eat supper. The prospect of going to a big town excited me - I could run errands! During the week leading up to our Friday night escapade I worked diligently on my "town list." There was nothing ridiculous, frivolous or outlandish that I was needing, but the list was fairly lengthy.
Yes, this was my idea of excitement on a Friday night. Eating at the Olive Garden and shopping for work jeans for Wesley, plus a little yarn to feed my crocheting addiction, plus a whole host of other to-do's that I won't bore you with.
We all decided to meet at our house. Actually, "we" didn't decide on anything. Our buddy Cody insisted that we meet at our house that afternoon which meant that there was considerable backtracking for him and his wife, Ashley. This caused major grumbling on my part about the ridiculous nature of his entire gender and the fact that I can't believe it is mostly men that run the world and this is why the world is running into the ground. You know, typical grumbles.
I dutifully made sure that Wesley and I were showered and ready at the appropriate time, patiently ready and waiting with my shopping list and purse in hand.
About that time I watched as a white stretch limousine slowly crawled down our dirt road, pulled into our rock driveway and parked next to a pile of the girls' chew-toy bones.
Hmm.
I'll admit, part of me was incredibly elated, and the other part of me debated on whether or not I should give up on my dreams of running any errands that evening. This was more of a struggle than I should probably admit, but I ended up placing the list back on our fridge and lamenting to myself that I could live another week without yarn. ....Sigh....
So, to tie up loose ends on this story.... Cody has a friend that owns a limo. The one that we took out that night, in fact. Duh. No one, not even Cody's wife Ashley knew what was going on, so Cody wanted to surprise all of us and see the look on our faces when the limo pulled into our drive. It was pretty awesome, I'll admit.
No errand-running occurred that night, much to my chagrin, but I did get over it.
As we were slowly crawling down our dirt road in the limo, trying not to get a flat on our way to the highway, Wesley noticed three semi-loads of cattle heading towards our house to unload. We had the limo pull over to the side of the road and Wesley stepped out into the middle of the road so the trucks would actually stop and talk to us so Wesley could tell them where to unload. We were pretty sure they wouldn't stop and chit chat to folks in a limo like they usually do when we are in a feed pickup. The truck drivers had a good laugh at our highly unusual ride.
Yes, this was my idea of excitement on a Friday night. Eating at the Olive Garden and shopping for work jeans for Wesley, plus a little yarn to feed my crocheting addiction, plus a whole host of other to-do's that I won't bore you with.
We all decided to meet at our house. Actually, "we" didn't decide on anything. Our buddy Cody insisted that we meet at our house that afternoon which meant that there was considerable backtracking for him and his wife, Ashley. This caused major grumbling on my part about the ridiculous nature of his entire gender and the fact that I can't believe it is mostly men that run the world and this is why the world is running into the ground. You know, typical grumbles.
I dutifully made sure that Wesley and I were showered and ready at the appropriate time, patiently ready and waiting with my shopping list and purse in hand.
About that time I watched as a white stretch limousine slowly crawled down our dirt road, pulled into our rock driveway and parked next to a pile of the girls' chew-toy bones.
Hmm.
I'll admit, part of me was incredibly elated, and the other part of me debated on whether or not I should give up on my dreams of running any errands that evening. This was more of a struggle than I should probably admit, but I ended up placing the list back on our fridge and lamenting to myself that I could live another week without yarn. ....Sigh....
So, to tie up loose ends on this story.... Cody has a friend that owns a limo. The one that we took out that night, in fact. Duh. No one, not even Cody's wife Ashley knew what was going on, so Cody wanted to surprise all of us and see the look on our faces when the limo pulled into our drive. It was pretty awesome, I'll admit.
No errand-running occurred that night, much to my chagrin, but I did get over it.
As we were slowly crawling down our dirt road in the limo, trying not to get a flat on our way to the highway, Wesley noticed three semi-loads of cattle heading towards our house to unload. We had the limo pull over to the side of the road and Wesley stepped out into the middle of the road so the trucks would actually stop and talk to us so Wesley could tell them where to unload. We were pretty sure they wouldn't stop and chit chat to folks in a limo like they usually do when we are in a feed pickup. The truck drivers had a good laugh at our highly unusual ride.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Kitchen DIY
Do you have a friend that is expecting (besides me)? Do you feel like acting like you're being really helpful but you also want to squeeze a joke in there somewhere too? Fear not my friends, I have the solution for you. True, I did this one to myself, but I can't wait till I know someone that gets preggo and I will totally do this to them.
This pregnancy has been less than idyllic for me. I am not one that floats around with some sort of ethereal glow about me. I have the energy of a sloth. I puke lots. My back hurts. And my poor husband gets to put up with this every day.
It is well known that W does NOT perform projects inside the house. Actually, that's being generous. W does not perform projects within a 50 yard radius of our house. This is my territory. In my preggo brain genius-ness the other day, I decided the next time I had energy I was going to install new kitchen cabinet hardware and child safety locks on all the cabinet doors. You read that right, child safety locks for a kid weighs approximately 1 1/2 pounds and is 8-9 inches long, and is currently still housed in my womb. Because, ya know, I'm in "the family way."
So the next time you need a giggle, find a friend that is preggers. Offer to be really helpful and install child safety locks on all their cabinet doors. While you're at it, place a hidden camera somewhere. Or, don't even hide it. With your friend's preggo brain she probably won't even notice it setting on top of the microwave in plain sight. Grab a bowl of popcorn and laugh hysterically every time she walks to any lower cabinet and automatically jerks on the handle. Watch as she jerks again, just for good measure and then grimaces because she installed child safety locks almost four months before the kid hits the ground, another six months before the kid starts to crawl, and another 1-2 months before they even think of opening a cabinet. So, just to recap the math, that's approximately 1 year early folks. I really can't wait for someone to tell me they're expecting now. I can't wait to spread the joy.
This pregnancy has been less than idyllic for me. I am not one that floats around with some sort of ethereal glow about me. I have the energy of a sloth. I puke lots. My back hurts. And my poor husband gets to put up with this every day.
It is well known that W does NOT perform projects inside the house. Actually, that's being generous. W does not perform projects within a 50 yard radius of our house. This is my territory. In my preggo brain genius-ness the other day, I decided the next time I had energy I was going to install new kitchen cabinet hardware and child safety locks on all the cabinet doors. You read that right, child safety locks for a kid weighs approximately 1 1/2 pounds and is 8-9 inches long, and is currently still housed in my womb. Because, ya know, I'm in "the family way."
So the next time you need a giggle, find a friend that is preggers. Offer to be really helpful and install child safety locks on all their cabinet doors. While you're at it, place a hidden camera somewhere. Or, don't even hide it. With your friend's preggo brain she probably won't even notice it setting on top of the microwave in plain sight. Grab a bowl of popcorn and laugh hysterically every time she walks to any lower cabinet and automatically jerks on the handle. Watch as she jerks again, just for good measure and then grimaces because she installed child safety locks almost four months before the kid hits the ground, another six months before the kid starts to crawl, and another 1-2 months before they even think of opening a cabinet. So, just to recap the math, that's approximately 1 year early folks. I really can't wait for someone to tell me they're expecting now. I can't wait to spread the joy.
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