Comedic Timing is Not My Thing

I tell highly inappropriate jokes.  Or, as I like to think of it, jokes that 99.9% of the population doesn't quite 'get.' 

Example #1: 
We were walking into the veterinarian's office in town.  As I was walking in, carrying my dear, sweet, innocent baby, a tiny, frail, little-ol' woman was hobbling out. 

"What a precious little baby," she said, as she pinched his chubby, cherub-like cheeks.  "What are you two here for today?" she asked. 

"Rabies shots" I replied with a stoic voice. 

She hobbled off with her cane very quickly to her nearby car. 

Example #2:
This is more like a reoccurring faux pas of mine.  It still keeps cracking me up, even though everyone's reaction is always some varying degree of recoil. 

"Hey, how's the baby?"  They all ask. 

"Doing great.  He's 7 months old and fits pretty well into his 18 month clothing" is my typical reply. 

"Holy cow! (or some similar response) What are you doing to that kid?!"

"Not much, I guess those cattle implants really did the trick." 

And inevitably, there is always an uncomfortable pause that follows this conversation.  Bummer.